The Loss of a Great

It pains me to pass on the news that one of the preeminent comedians of our time, Mitch Hedberg, passed away yesterday. Far from just providing a virtually unlimited resource of quotable lines for my confederates and I, Mitch Hedberg brought laughter to sold-out audiences across the nation, garnered lavish praise from the media in the process, and even managed to break into Hollywood despite admitting that it was "audtions" which were preventing him from acting.

Along with winning the grand prize from at least one prestigious comedy festival, Mitch's accomplishments include: writing, directing, and producing "Los Enchiladas", a film about a fast food manager in the Midwest; appearing on Comedy Central, MTV, and even as a character on 'That 70's show'; being a continual guest on Stern and Letterman; and, most impressively, building a truly devoted and widespread fanbase (of which I was part) with nowhere near the publicity of any of the well-known comedians. I last saw Mitch in San Jose less than a year ago with my brother and Dan, and, if it hadn't been for Belize, I would have seen him at Caroline's on the 20th of March.

As a tribute to his genius, here are some jokes of his that I find particularly hilarious. In order to get the full effect, picture a long-haired, sunglass-wearing stoner up on a stage, leaning lazily backwards against a brick wall, holding the mic in one hand, and a vodka tonic with two straws that "go straight to the mouth" in the other. If you can, download or buy something of his so that you can hear his delivery; it is a huge part of his act and just one of the many aspects of Mitch that make him so hilarious.

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut...Some skeptical friend, don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...oh wait it's back home in the file...under "D", for doughnut."

"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'"

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

"'AIDS tests are scary man. No matter what you are doing, waiting for the results is scary. I get AIDS test but I get roundabout AIDS tests. I call up my buddy and say 'Hey man, do you know anyone with AIDS? No? Good... cuz you know me' "

"I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza. The fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'"

"You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We arent going to tell you which one of these payments it is, but one of these payment is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker."

Regarding the letter 'X' starting the word xylophone which Mitch believes is wrong: "It's like X wasnt given enough to do, so they gave it more. 'OK, you wont start a lot of words, but we will give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And, incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy you fucking X?!'"

Frankly, every one of his jokes is more than worthy of your attention. It's just too bad that he won't be treating us to more; I'm certain that the best was yet to come. Without a doubt, Mitch Hedberg will be missed.