Most Terrible Lizard of them all

Last night, while riding the subway to see a burlesque show at The Slipper Room in the LES (don't ask), the discussion turned to a most unusual subject: dinosaurs. If you are unaware, most males who grew up in the early 80s had an obsession with the aptly named terrible lizards (educational note: this is what the word 'dinosaur' means in Latin). When I was a kid, there was nothing more terrifying -- and hence more fascinating and worthy of study -- than the idea that monstrous, godzilla-like reptiles once roamed the earth, engaging one another in what must have been epic, tree-shattering battles for survival. This is also why, if you didn't know, Jurassic Park, the book and the movie, garnered so much attention amongst the demographic of which I am part.

It wasn't long until someone asked about favorites. The answer for me is Stegosaurus, the gentle plant-eating dinosaur armed with a tail of foot-long spikes and a row of triangular plates along its back. At least in part, I used to prefer the noble stegosaurus because he was different; not many other dinosaurs had such ornate armor plating or such fierce weaponry. Plus, most kids overlooked him for more obvious favorites, such as T-Rex or Allosaurus, both large predators, and I've never been one to follow convention.

I'm not entirely sure I was aware of this when the dinosaur draft occurred back in '85, but Stegosaurus was piloted by a brain the size of a walnut. Think of that: a beast 30-feet long from nose to tail, standing 10 feet high, controlled by nerve impulses from a command center which you could easily hold between your thumb and index finger. Not exactly confidence-inspiring, is it?

Stegosaurus' significant mental incapacity and all-round inadequacy on the continuum of prehistoric coolness (it is now well established that velociraptors and Tyrannosaurs are the preeminent dinosaurs) made me apprehensive at the prospect of declaring this to my friends. Under the concept of guilty by association, admitting that my favorite dinosaur was likely the dumbest of them all would not reflect well on me. After hearing that Peter favored the cow of the dinosaur era, triceratops, because it was frequently depicted being eaten by large predators, and that Ron sided with the brontosaurus because "it was the biggest," I overcame my trepidation and readily proclaimed my allegiance to Stegosaurus.

As one might expect, rowdy and contentious debate ensued as to the merits of each pick. But, ultimately, we came to the conclusion that, given that our favorite terrible lizards were all effeminate plant-eaters, we should change the subject.